So its been a while since I had my daughter. Like any mom, having a baby changed me. There’s a part of me that has been in denial about something, though, and lately it has been nagging at me.
You see, before having a beh-beh, before nesting as a preggo, before all that grown up stuff, I went through what I am calling my fisting phase.
Fisting is the shit. It brings you closer to god – and I don’t even believe in god, so that’s saying something. There’s something so intimate about having a hand buried deep inside of you, in places no hand should really fit. The vacuum that’s left behind for days after a fisting is very real and gut wrenching-ly erotic – like all of a sudden you are aware of this space inside of you that is really fucking hungry for more. Fisting is about all of these amazing things that happen – the swishing, the churning, the reverberations from the tiniest of movements. But above all else, the most delicious part of a fisting is that once special moment of withdrawl, when the hand inside of you becomes the hand outside of you and your inside is left wanting so fucking badly. It’s delicious.
Well, here’s the thing. That one special moment of withdrawl feels a heck of a lot like how it felt to push out a baby. Intense, wet, triumphant and soul shattering all at once.
During all those times I was fisted, that moment of withdrawl came with a roar and a flood of relief, plus a ridiculously forceful ejaculation. It was an intense heady rush that was always unlike anything else I’d ever felt, sexually. I always thought of it as an orgasm that was fully “of the g spot” or a zero percent clit climax. And that’s also what happened during birth.
Now of course, you’re not supposed to talk about deliciously dirty sex acts and your baby in the same breath. That sort of thing is frowned upon.
So ever since that day; that day I had the most intense fisting-like orgasm of my life, there’s been a pretty big disconnect inside of me. It’s not trauma, and it’s not like I need healing, but there’s something off in how I view my body and it’s superpowers now. I need to find a way to make peace with that unexpected orgasm…