When I started writing here, I was oblivious to a lot about myself. Through my writing, part of me found a voice that was previously silent, and I really ran with that for quite some time. But it’s different now; I don’t use this space and that voice is silent once again and that confuses, concerns and also somewhat soothes me. It’s confusing, because I want it to be the same as it was and it just can’t be. Concerning, because I once thought that my personal definition was deeply entwined with the part of myself expressed in these diaries. Soothing, because…well….things have changed. My needs have changed. I fear I am fooling myself into a mundane lull but at the same time, I can’t help but enjoy letting go of this thing that used to take up so much of me and my time.
It’s trouble, however, and I am fooling myself. I deeply miss running loose in the sex positive world and I’m terrified whenever I think about how ravenous my kinky self will be when I finally let her out for a romp on the wild side again, and yet I keep that part of me tucked away deep and close at all times. What’s my deal? It’s nothing special, nothing unique – I’m busy, work is going great yada yada yada. And it’s true – I constantly wish there were more hours in the day to do more work and my work, my friends, is not at all sexy. Classic right? Not enough hours in the day for responsibilities, let alone the stuff you actually want to do.
A problem has emerged from this non-voluntary apathy towards my sex positive self , however. I have been completely monogamous for over a year now, which is totally fine and feels like the right thing right now – but it also means I am not talking about being poly all that much and my marriage has been lulled into a sort of poly-apathy. The discussions only get rawer and rawer as this continues, it seems, almost like it was back when we were first talking about poly, before ever diving in in the first place. Maybe this is just our process, who knows, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that if I don’t keep it as an active issue, it will be removed from the table between us, and although I’m feeling mellow about the whole thing right now nothing will change the fact that I am poly. Things will not go well if this issue is pressed; I know myself well enough to get that, and Roi knows it too. Its complicated and interesting – to me, at least – maybe me being actively poly is a key ingredient to harmony in my household with Roi. It was a reality for the majority of our life together.
Anyways, this blog, it seems, is still a useful outlet. Maybe some day I’ll think of something sexy to write.